My mind is always flip-flopping. One moment, I want the ex. The next moment, I know better. Two days later, I get drunk and fuck someone else, and then, that night, the guy from the other night at that one party is asking me to go out to eat with him and suddenly I want him now.

At the same time, I have two other guys begging me to hang out and I keep blowing them off, because the time on the clock is moving too fast and I don't have enough of it to divide up in that many pieces! But, of course, what would it do if I just really blew them off? No, I keep them hanging by a string. I really should hang out with them, I mean, that one guy did help me move into my apartment didn't he?

??????

Why is it I lust for him so badly? It has become a desire that almost consumes me. I can't get these thoughts out of my head, and when I try to divert my attention towards another man, I find that they just can't handle me as well as he could. I just like the way he does it. Only he can touch me and make me feel good.

I am afraid that once I get the chance to have him again, I will only want to have him more and more. He is not healthy for me. But I feel addicted. Or maybe I am building up the memories of how it used to be into something greater than what it really was? Does it make sense that that can happen?

I would hate for him to know that he is really my only focus right now when it comes to sexual desires. I long only to have him inside me. I don't crave sex, I crave sex with only him. I've had those other boys. But he is what I want. And at this point, I really don't know what to do. I feel like I am going crazy. Am I normal, or obsessed?

Okay, so I had a little bit of high hopes (while at the same time, trying not to!) about getting the chance to hook up with my ex for a night. I talked about it in my last blog. Since, he has texted me. But I was way too drunk and passed out to respond that night, which sucks because I was really looking forward to having him again. I texted him back the next morning as the room was still spinning, telling him to text me that night. Haven't heard back from him yet.

I'm thinking about it and I'm really questioning whether or not I even should. I catch myself thinking about it, and I know I shouldn't. I should put it all aside and continue with my life and when he's ready for a booty call, then I'm ready. No feelings attached. But, deep deep deep down in the dark corners of my emotions, I obviously still care about him in some stupid way that I shouldn't. And I think if I were to ignore that minor yet major detail about myself, I could land myself in my own pool of self drama. Then I'd be looking for a pity party while everyone else around me is thinking, "What a dumb girl."

So, I'm going to shut up about all that because there's nothing to question anymore about it. So, along with the rest of my life...

I landed myself a job as a receptionist for an insurance company. I don't have to work fast-food full time anymore. That is a job which totally blows. Random fifty hour weeks just hardly give me time for a life or a regular sleep cycle. Now I am excited about the chance to work the normal 9-5 monday through friday. I told my manager at my fast-food job that I would still work part-time if he would like to keep me. Which he will love to have me stay since I am his most loyal employee. I have been under his supervision for two full years now and have worked my way up the ranks to be his first assistant, so even though it is fast food, I don't want to let him down. Even with a two weeks notice, I still feel that quitting altogether is too abrubt.

It's going on Tuesday and I'm hoping for a relaxed week. I feel like the past two weeks have been nothing but a chaotic blur. I haven't even had the chance to go for a good jog. And that's something I have been looking forward to for a long time now.

So, I am going off to bed. I really want to have a good day tomorrow, without dragging ass.